November 2006

Messier than tangled spaghetti

Internazionale are clean! Or are they? It’s a little complicated but listen: Telecom Italia head of security, Giulliano Tavaroli, and his accomplice, Emanuele Cipriani, are arrested for ordering phone taps of public figures. Got it? Good.
Now, the majority shareholder and former director of Telecom Italia is none other than Inter director Macro Tronchetti Provera. Its chief operating officer, Carlo Buora, is Inter’s vicepresident. And, when Provera resigned as director, his job was taken over by one Guido Rossi. Who’s Rossi? Only the acting commissioner of the Italian Football Federation who meted out the punishments to Juventus, Milan, Reggina and Lazio, and was behind the decision to reward Juventus’ tainted Scudetto to Inter. Out there, the truth is, somewhere.

Bollywood FC

Frank Lampard and John Terry were to be given Bollywood acting roles in a movie called Jhoom, to boost the club’s popularity in India. Although parts of the movie will still be shot in London, including actual footage of Chelsea in action, talks between the movie’s producers and the club have fallen through and the plan to give Lampard and Terry cameos has been shelved. Pity. What we would have given to see the man they call “Fat” Frank break out into song and dance …
The movie stars Bollywood heartthrobs Abhishek Bachchan and Preity Zinta. Bachchan, who will play an avid Chelsea fan in the movie, is a fan of the club in real life, and has recently been spotted at Stamford Bridge with actress Aishwarya Rai. Chelsea business affairs director Paul Smith said that the club “are also looking to Asia, particularly India, as part of the strategy of extending the Chelsea brand into new markets.”

He’s bringing sexy back

From the Sepptic cesspool that is the mind of Blatter, we bring you this pearl: the Fifa president has insisted that World Cup finals should no longer be judged by penalty shoot-outs. He maintains that Italy’s win in this year’s World Cup was a “tragedy”, and that “football is a team sport and penalties is not a team, it is the individual [sic].” To replace the dreaded shoot-out, Blatter suggests that teams should replay final matches, or have teams play for a golden goal with deducted personnel. Since he made these suggestions at a public Swiss Chamber of Commerce event, we presume he left out the part about replacing players with nude cheerleaders or garden gnomes.

Boxing kangarooney

Wayne Rooney has jokingly threatened world boxing champ Ricky Hatton with a “good, old-fashioned a**-kicking.” IBF light welterweight champion ‘The Hitman’ Hatton, a Manchester City fan, has revealed he is still waiting for the fight, since Rooney threw down the gauntlet before the World Cup. Hatton also claimed that Rooney, who is of boxing descent, wouldn’t fit in his championship belt since he has “eaten too many chips.”

Wake me up when Oktoberfest ends

Werder Bremen ‘keeper Tim Wiese was the victim of a bottle-throwing incident recently, when his team entertained Hamburg. The thrown bottle, which was made of glass, could have caused serious injury to Wiese, yet the whole incident received little sympathy from everyone in the ground. The match announcer in particular eased the tension by stating over the PA system: “Don’t send Wiese any more drinks.” Poor Wiese.

Stoop, Dogging Dog

Stan ‘the Man’ Collymore has announced that he is ready to make a return to football. After initially losing his battle with manic depression, the former Liverpool and Bradford striker was forced to retire well before his due date. Collymore has now decided to make the transition from manic to maniacal by scouting for an interested Premiership club. He is currently undergoing gruelling training sessions to get back into shape, hoping to “come back faster, stronger and fitter than I ever was”.
He said, "I didn't see any players [in the World Cup] that made me think 'I can't do that'. It might sound big-headed, but I still believe that I am the best…I don't want to do this to go back and be average and potter around for Rag Arse Rovers.” As Tom Cruise said, maybe psychiatrists should do away with Prozac. Our vote is for electro-shock therapy.